Professor: what inspired you to write this essay? Me: the due date
When you get to your first day of school and you can’t find your class or your locker or friends lost dog at school
Me: why am I still single? Brain: you’re weird. Body: and you’re fat. Face: plus you’re pretty ugly. Food: I’m here for you
Life before Google Maps toy carpet map
Bed: king size, queen size, prince size coffin
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Saying do I smell popcorn right after you fart so everybody takes a deep breath trolling
I think I’m having a midlife crisis. You’re 24. I might die at 48
When your salad keeps making jokes laughing women