Me: aw, your baby is cute, how old is it? She’s 34 weeks old, do you have time? Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight
Blessed Jesus you have returned to us! In what meaningful way could we honor your suffering, death and resurrection? Eggs
The human brain is amazing – it functions 24/7 from the day we’re born and only stops when you’re taking a test or speaking to someone attractive
Iron 200 degrees, vindaloo 1000 degrees, sun 5505 degrees, this bastard in summer million degrees metal slide celsius
How to play the Sims: spend 8 hours making a beautiful family, play as intended for 3 seconds, motherlode, build dream house, cry over fact you’ll never live there, murder entire family
The ring she wants – wedding ring, the rings I want – Audi, the rings I can afford – onion rings
So my mom accidentally ordered an XS dog bed but he’s still grateful
When someone tags you in a meme Barack Obama approves yes this is a good meme thank you
Be careful who you call ugly in high school pizza dough before and after
The two most stolen items in the world both made by the same guy: BIC pen, lighter