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When you put too much vodka in your drink kid drinking McDonald’s Coke

My BFF and I when were 80 cool grandmas grandmothers

The perfect candle doesn’t exist garlic bread candle

He needed a photo for his resume and didn’t have a jacket so he had to improvise by using pants

Me talking to someone literally one year younger: than me will you take a bit of advice from an old woman?

My girlfriend is like the square root of minus 100. A solid 10 but also imaginary

If you’re a man don’t say anything to a woman on the street that you wouldn’t want a man saying to you in prison. Peter White quote

Would you wanna go out or something? Hell no Mike, you’re ugly. At least I have a good heart, I don’t need a transplant

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