Life is not a fairy tale if you lose a shoe at midnight you’re drunk
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Hey who the hell was that
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When you lied on your resume and your new job puts you right to work with no training
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Schrodinger’s immigrant: simultaneously stealing your job and too lazy to work
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Kids menu options: I don’t know, I don’t care, I’m not hungry, I don’t want that
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How awesome would it be if airlines had Steam sales? I never planned on going to Nepal but it’s only 40 bucks
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Every snack you make every meal you bake every bite you take I’ll be watching you dog
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Boss: why were you late this morning? Me: petting not my dogs
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