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How I see math world problems: if you have 4 pencils and I have 7 apples how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don’t wear hats

Remember kids if strangers offer you drugs take them because drugs are expensive

Two Martinis please. Dry? Nein, zwei.

Awkwardly standing there as your friend is talking to someone you don’t know

I love you more than crossfit not really but I love you more than burpees

You say “all guys are the same”. Who the hell told you to try them all?

No I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you Sherlock

When he said he was going to give me a creampie I though he was buying me dessert

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