Friend zone is like when someone turns you down for a job then calls you every week and complains about the guy they hired
Sport is fair if hunting was a sport the animal would have a gun too. Ricky Gervais
I wish that my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
You are what you eat I don’t remember eating a huge disappointment
The problem with rich people is that I am not one
Why get thinner when you can get more dinner?
My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite so I packed her things and left
McDonald’s employees act like their whole career is on the line when you ask them for an extra sauce
How can you face your problem if your problem is your face
People who are scared to double text, not me: I’ll send 16 text, 8 twitter DMs, 5 voicemails, poke on facebook and write them a letter