When people add you in a group chat and text for hours Jay-Z Beyonce
What are you doing? Filling the caravan with petrol. Why? So it explodes when the car hits it. Why would it? Because I’ve filled it with petrol. Clarkson Hammond Top Gear
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If you had super power what would it be? The ability to communicate with a female. Civil War interview Anthony Mackie
This mum does not trust her son: take a picture with a fork in your hair to prove you’re home. Could have taken that yesterday
Interviewer: so why do you want this job? Well I’ve always been really passionate about not starving to death
Who are you? Someone changed all my contact names. What did they change my name to? Batman. Don’t change it back, I’m Batman
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It’s windy today, no it’s Thursday, so am I let’s have a beer. Old deaf men
Excuse me could you spare a moment for Darth Vader our dark lord? *Sigh* dark lord you say? Harry Potter Kylo Ren
Me: mom, my legs hurt. Mom: cause you’re always on that damn phone
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet. 4 year old: I don’t have any other feet. Me: fair enough