Throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front rear and side views but she didn’t get the memo fail
Boy: how old are you? Girl: 15. Boy: Wow you look young for 18 years old. Girl: but I said I was fifteen. Boy: shhh…
Wow words can’t even describe how beautiful you are. Thank you. Numbers can though, 4 out of 10
Doctor I’ve got a problem every morning at 8 sharp I poop. How is this a problem? I wake up at 9
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When people add you in a group chat and text for hours Jay-Z Beyonce
What are you doing? Filling the caravan with petrol. Why? So it explodes when the car hits it. Why would it? Because I’ve filled it with petrol. Clarkson Hammond Top Gear
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This mum does not trust her son: take a picture with a fork in your hair to prove you’re home. Could have taken that yesterday
Interviewer: so why do you want this job? Well I’ve always been really passionate about not starving to death
Who are you? Someone changed all my contact names. What did they change my name to? Batman. Don’t change it back, I’m Batman
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It’s windy today, no it’s Thursday, so am I let’s have a beer. Old deaf men