What should we call this brick object that provides ventilation for the house? Jim: a jimney, Chim: I have a better idea chimney
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Doctor: I’ve got good news and bad news. Karen is leaving you for another man. Me: and the good news? Doctor: I am picking her up at 7
E-mailing teachers be like: Me: polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar. Teacher: sure – sent from my iPhone
You won’t have to text back if you don’t open the message protip lifehack
Single mom of 2, huh? Yes. Wanna make it single mother of 3? Imagine the gains. Tinder conversation
Having to go to vet is pretty rough, huh? My health and well-being is not a joke, Sharon! dog visiting vet
Trump: the less immigrants we let in, the better. Pence: the fewer. Trump: shh, don’t call me that in public yet
Girl: our relationship is over. Me: our relationship is what? Over.
Do you ever get a message and you just stare at it for a while and take a deep breath and think “what the actual fuck am I supposed to reply to that”?
When she stays online 4 hours after saying good night Cristiano Ronaldo